The Rodeo Princess Tells It Like It Is

Advice not worth the paper it's written on

Volume 3, Issue 1

Oh my dear Rodeo Princess Fans,

Have I got news for you!

In honor of our favorite fan, Mrs J. B of Pend Oreille County , Washington , I've decided to title this update “As the Rodeo Arena Turns”.

Now, many of our regular readers remember “Mrs. J. B.” of Pend Oreille County . Uh huh, you do remember her don't you? Oh, fans that's just swell. Mrs. J. B. has certainly gained legions of sympathetic and loyal supporters out there hasn't she!

To catch everyone up, as of our last update, our poor dear lady J. B. (aka Joan Boe) has recently endured no end of shame because of her potty mouth. Especially as she's suffered no end of consequences for her reference to her husband's love of JackPot roping events as nothing more than “Pissing $88 into the wind”. Faster than you can say Kitty Carmel Loves Catty Commentary, those words have come back to haunt our little heroine. Truly, who among us can't relate? We've definitely had our own share of unpleasant little things coming out of our mouths at the worst possible times.

So let us all have a Rodeo Princess Ropin' Heeling Service, right here, right now, for our troubled friend. Reach out dear readers to share a heart felt, fan inspired, collective moment of sympathy. This is an opportunity for our dear lady to start anew. Join hands fans. Touch your screens. Mouth after me. “Forgive her. Yes forgive her for not knowing that a header shouldn't heel and a heeler shouldn't head and that $88 dollars is a small price to pay for a big buckle. Or at least a chance at one. Amen.”

And fans, as a special little treat, I have included an informative news story that recently ran in the local Newport Times. This well written coverage provides even deeper insight into selfless little ol' me and portrays in vivid detail my close personal friendship with Mrs. J. B. Read on, I think you will be very proud!

Rodeo Princess Begins Offering Legal Counsel:

Advice Not Worth the Deposition

It's Written On

By: I Been Had

Witnesses recall that it was just another ordinary day in Pend Oreille County . Mrs. J B, returning from Spokane with sticky fingers and a secret, desperately sought the location of the Rodeo Princess, while her husband, Mr. B also slowly cruised the streets of Newport, looking to run down the Rodeo Princess. It's seems these days everyone is looking for a piece of the Rodeo Princess.

Locals report that Mrs. J B's devastated husband hasn't been the same after learning of his wife's very unfortunate slip of the tongue. Referring to his roping career as an exercise in urinary dysfunction, the couple had recently seen some difficult moments in their marriage.

On the day in question, the despondent hubby, Mr. B, finally located the Rodeo Princess working the sidewalks of Newport . After attempting to run down the Rodeo Princess as she crossed the crosswalk adjacent to the Newport Post Office, Mr JB later admitted to the Pend Oreille County Sheriff's department that he remained depressed over the state of his marriage, his roping, and his aim. After all, the Rodeo Princess was still alive. Eventually released from custody uncharged, the Sheriff understood why the situation got out of hand. Agreeing, he wrote in his report that Mr. B was justified in blaming both his wife and the Rodeo Princess for his current mental anguish.

Arranging for emergency marriage counseling, the Sheriff summoned the local on-call crisis counselor, which unbeknownst to him was none other that the Rodeo Princess. Offering legendary crisis intervention skills, the Rodeo Princess immediately convened the distressed couple at the local Chinese food restaurant where the trio enjoyed chow mein, chop suey, and sweet and sour shrimp. Between mouthfuls, and still desperately trying to adjust her hair from the earlier crosswalk dragging incident, the Rodeo Princess demonstrated a stunning decorum of wisdom, composure and timely advice.

In any crisis situation, the Rodeo Princess believes it's important to ease the client's misgivings and help them feel comfortable. The Rodeo Princess surmised that Mrs. J B needed affirmation, and graciously offered a very sincere “My you look very nice tonight.”

Mrs. J B seemed somewhat stunned by the heartfelt compliment, but eventually responded with her own gracious thank you. Eventually Mrs. J. B. admitted she'd just gotten a $130 speeding ticket that day down in Spokane . Shocked, both her husband and the Rodeo Princess looked at each other and shouted in unison, “That's $130 pissed away into the wind.”

Poor Mrs. JB was near tears. How would she ever face a lifetime of urinary dysfunction? Look what it had done to her husband! Faced with all the complexities of a strange jurisdiction, the embarrassment of a blemished driving record, and not knowing if she should plead “guilty”, “not guilty” or “innocent by reason of insanity”, what was a Pend Oreille County Gal to do?

Besides, of course, tormenting herself with grief and worry! Mrs. J B begged the Rodeo Princess for advice. If anyone had a wealth of experience involving trouble with the law, it would be the Rodeo Princess. Living the motto, “I fought the law and the law won,” she considers this a flattering description.

The Rodeo Princess, standing bruised and freshly run down, proudly and confidently proclaimed to Mrs. J. B., “I've got one word for you! “Deferred prosecution!”

Mr. B pointed out immediately, “Rodeo Princess, uh, that was two words.”

“Oh” said a hardly dissuaded Rodeo Princess.

Undeterred, the Rodeo Princess began explaining to the traffic felon amongst them just how to go about getting a deferred prosecution. Mrs. J B was all ears.

“You see honey, “Deferred Prosecutions” are for those little “oopsies” that we all have occasionally while driving. People with normally good driving records, even the best of drivers, all have moments of inattention, distraction, or they find themselves in unfamiliar jurisdictions. Or as in your case Mrs. J B, they find themselves distracted trying to reclaim the half eaten Twinkie that just fell into their open purse. They never see the hot, leathered up motorcycle cop, with his exciting radar gun, pointed right at them. Sailing through that 25 mph zone at a smoking 35, it's just all so very typical of exactly how lethal those unregistered Twinkies can be.”

Mrs J B was speechless. Although she hadn't told the Rodeo Princess about the Twinkie falling in her purse, she knew not to argue. It was true. There was still creamy filling all over her “The Clapper, Clap! Clap! Car Key Finder”.

“Now when you go before the judge, you admit what a horrible mistake you've made and that this just isn't normally like you. You also need to swear you've given up Twinkies for Lent. The judge will listen to what you have to say, and he will decide if you are being honest or not, and even though he knows that everyone in his court is lying, he will ask you if you've had any tickets, and he won't tell you as you answer him, that he knows everything you've ever done. I mean everything, Mrs. JB. Do you understand me? E-v-e-r-y---t-h-i-n-g.”

The Rodeo Princess leaned closer to Mrs. J B., hovering mere inches above the remains of the cooling chow mein. “Do you understand how this works?” whispered the Rodeo Princess.

Mrs. J B nodded slowly. Mr. B seemed equally mesmerized.

“If the judge buys your story, he will offer you a deferred prosecution. Be aware you might have to go to traffic school, pay administrative court costs, and you can't get another ticket for a year or two, but if you do all that, the ticket won't show up on your record. It will be just like that hot little date you had involving the motorcycle cop and your Twinkie fetish never happened. How cool is that?”

“Rodeo Princess, will you go with me to court? I mean as part of my defense team?

Mrs. J B's voice was weak with fear. Her hands trembled as she reached across the table to grab her fortune cookie. As she opened up the cookie and unraveled her fortune, the Rodeo Princess Smiled.

“Of course I'll go to court with you darling”.

An unnerved expression appeared on Mrs. J B's face. Reading the fortune, horrifying words blazed across her mind. But it had come too late. Her fortune offered a simple warning: “Be wary of strangers bearing compliments.”

Now, as you can tell dear Fans, my friend Mrs. J B is in serious legal trouble. Not only is she being held on trumped up charges in a strange jurisdiction, but she still can't even pronounce “deferred prosecution”!

Fans, it's up to us to save her. I pledge that as the Rodeo Princess, 12 th Runner up out of a field of six, I will defiantly stand beside Mrs. J. B. of Pend Oreille County in that Spokane County courtroom! But, we need your help too! The Rodeo Princess is also asking for all of her fans to send letters of outrage to the judge. That's right, as of today, The Free Mrs. J. B. Legal Defense Action Network (FMJBLDAN) is going to ride to the Rescue.

Please type up a short email to the judge. Explain to the judge how distracting leathered up motorcycle cops, radar guns, and flying Twinkies can be. Vouch for Mrs. J. B.'s character. Threaten to boycott Spokane ( Near Nature. Near Perfect tm) for the rest of your life. Let it be known that no one can mess with the driving record of Mrs. J. B. and get away with it. This show of support is very necessary.

Communicating your undying loyalty to Mrs. J. B. will demonstrate to the court that people everywhere are outraged! We aren't going to take it anymore. And whether the “pissing into the wind” involves an $88 jackpot roping entry fee or a $130 speeding ticket, as down winders, we demand the pissing end NOW!

Send your emails to: Subject line “FMJBLDAN~ Stop the miscarriage of justice!”

rodeoprincess@povn.com

Get them into us right away because Mrs. J B goes to court soon! We will keep you posted how her legal defense goes!

~ ~ ~

Fans, this month we have another question posed to our guest columnist, Anita. Read on to hear about her prevention of a crisis in the making!

Dearest Anita,

Several years ago the Rodeo Princess (prior to her first title) convinced me it was time to give up my "deathtrap" pickup truck. She tried to get me to replace it with a Jeep. She said it would do wonders for my love life. Instead I bought a Red Civic Coupe, and I am not sure that R.P. has ever quite forgiven me. Recently I had the opportunity to buy a new vehicle. Once again, I did NOT buy a Jeep. Instead I bought a V8 Chestnut Brown Ford 150 Lariat with gold trim. I have enclosed a promo picture of something similar, except mine is a 4x4 and in the bed it is about 24 inches longer. People keep commenting on how big it is, but I enjoy every inch of it. My question is twofold: How do I break the news to the Rodeo Princess that I have again ignored her advice so she will forgive me, and do you think this vehicle will help my love life better than the Civic?

Virginia Pikup

Oh my dear Virginia Pick up,

I do know how the wrath of the Rodeo Princess can be bone chilling and seemingly eternal. But one must remember that the dear princess suffers from undiagnosed adult ADD and often she does not remember just why she is in a tizzy. Oh that I could have intervened in her early education; So much grief could have been avoided. The first time she came in 12th out of a field of 6 would have been the last.

But alas, we would not have the grace of who rages before us today. I do share your pain as I too disappointed her highness, when I could not pass her in my remedial water boiling class. It is like a "garden party" "...you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself." With that in mind, let's examine your current transportation choice.

Unless you plan on waving (elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist) in a pageant parade, I would say that a Jeep might not be any more practical than the red civic coupe. While I know that being pragmatic is not in the Rodeo Princess' nature, it might well be in yours. So that should bring you some comfort as tiaras fly.

My dear angel with a lariat, your new ride sounds very nice to me. The versatility of four wheel drive may get you out of a pickle or two. It has reasonable mileage as long as those horses weren't rode hard and put up wet. As far as improving your love life my dear, I have some concerns. If the extra 24 inches are needed for hauling your trash to the dump, one might conclude that your life is cluttered. And that possibly you have a hard time letting go of things you should have been done with long ago. Or are you referring to a different type of “trash”?

Perhaps the greatest improvement to your love life might be to get over your "trailerparkaphobia" and move to one. Those little tornadoes that descend on trailer parks may just save you a few trips to the local landfill, as they are great trash haulers themselves. In which case, you wouldn't need a pick-up at all, and you could purchase that little Jeep the Rodeo Princess longs for you to have. But in the meantime, I think you have made the right choice for you. Maybe not for the princess. But for you. And that's progress. You get an "A" for your efforts!!

May the road be smooth all your days,

Anita Neauspouse

Of course my dears the Rodeo Princess has her own thoughts:

Dear Virgin~E~ah Pick up,

First off honey, I am so calling you on your dismissal of my very good advice. I know you kept it simple and bought foreign and sweetie pie, I have so already truly forgiven you for THAT. But dear, to so disgracefully ignore what could only have made your life in the Virginia the “land of lovers” so much better, well darling that's just plain hateful.

What part of roll bar do you not understand child? And Honey let me tell you, girl it is oh so much more than just a JEEP thing. Oh yeah, um hmm baby. Hard Top. Soft Top. No Top. It's all good when a girl needs to go seriously off roading. Dear that's a hint to you- get off the concrete hon, feel the dirt under your tires, under your toes, in your hair, in your…Well you know what the Rodeo Princess means.

So I ain't pissed that you went and bought an F series truck, but cupcake, Mr Big Issues, did you really need another 24 inches in your bed? We know you have a certain fear of heights, and didn't do so well in jungle gym, but you so could have learned to get over your fears, or at least of hanging upside down if you'd just done the Jeep Roll Bar Thing!

Look at me, I have!

Dear rodeo princess,

I have been contemplating some cosmetic procedures recently. While I realize you probably have no personal experience with Botox and liposuction, I though you might still know about such things. I heard on the news last night that the implants they use to give people the high cheek bones I so desire may be linked to a human form of mad cow disease. Have you ever heard such a thing? If I do run the risk...Will I be a Beautiful Mad Cow? Have you ever had any experience with a mad cow? Patiently wating for your reply.

Flat faced in Las Vegas

Dear Flatfaced,

Precious thing that you are, I simply feel so bad about your current crisis. Trust me, I have had some serious run-ins with Mad Cows, but usually it's the heifers at Dart Night down at the bowling alley that seem in the mood to stampede. Those gals get all moo'ed up over the fact that I've just milked them girls out of all their moolah and that the rodeo princess knows her targets and how to get a sharp pointy thing in a bulls eye every time.

Now doll, seriously, Mad Cow is no laughing matter. I have some very good friends of mine up in Alberta / Sask. in “ Oh Canada ” land and they are so over this whole MAD COW thang it ain't even funny. I don't think any of those boys would ever cotton to calling any of their mad cows beauoootifullllll and I don't think a one of ‘em has ever had lip o suction-that is unless the milking machine was hooked up wrong again. But sweetheart, if you think high cheek bones, a little nip and tuck, and botox will give you what it takes to get you some slap and tickle, by all means, indulge that purty self of yours. Maybe even the mad cow thing will work for you too, so by all means start your slobbering and twitching.

But babyface, truth is you're just fine as you are honey. You don't need to modify the whole garage just to park your car, instead you just need to find the right car that fits. I know there's “someone out there for everyone” as my Aunt Edna used to say. Or was that, there's everyone out there waiting for some…? Heck I can't remember now.

Dear Rodeo Princess:

I recently learned that my boyfriend has been cowboyin' around on me with another cowboy. I can sense that you're a girl who has been cheated on many times and probably you know the sting of being dumped. But how do you compete with the competition when you can't compete? Rodeo Princess, right now I am so mad I just wanted to stomp the living daylights out of both of them. And here I thought they were team penning all this time! What do I do?

Burned up in Burns, Oregon

Dear Burning,

Oh my precious darling I am so sorry to hear about your double take. Many men, and some women, have found themselves riding both sides of the fence line. Mr. Right, seems to have strayed over on the other side. I know this is hard sweetheart, but you have got to take care of yourself right now. He's in a different pasture and I am not sure its one you can stand the smell of. Just be thankful you weren't married!

In our society it's very difficult for many people to come out, and we also have a hard time understanding those folks who plug into an AC/DC (Bisexual) current. Chances are your guy has a lot of thinking to do and it's best that you not be at risk while that occurs. There's also a good chance he's been messing around on you for awhile. I don't mean to scare you, but I always say assume the worst and hope for the best in situations like this.

Here's my advice. Go see your doctor or if that's way too embarrassing visit your local Planned Parenthood or county health clinic. Tell them you need to get checked for everything. I mean everything girlfriend. Here's a short list: HPV Virus, HIV Virus, Hepatitis A, B, and C, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, and Syphilis. Most of these tests/exams are nearly instant, but you'll need to get tested again after three months just to be sure that you're ok. These days, sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise, and your boyfriend has certainly ventured into what in the health community is known as a high risk group. Chances are your going to be just fine, but a little peace of mind is very important.

Now for your heart, you also should look into talking to someone, preferably a qualified mental health counselor. Honey this isn't about you and you didn't cause this nor did you do anything wrong. With time, you and this fella might even be friends, but for right now, you need to take care of yourself! Sweetie, you are in my prayers.

The Legal Stuff: The Rodeo Princess is a mostly fictional character created for entertainment purposes. Neither she, nor High Mountain Ranch, its sponsors, and/or readers, take responsibility implied or otherwise from the advice offered in this column. Answers provided to readers are neither consistent nor reliable. Any likeness or resemblance intentional or otherwise to former residents of Echo, Oregon (who also consistently lost their bid to be selected as the Pendleton Round-Up Rodeo Queen) is purely coincidental. But they very well could be relatives.

If you have a question, a problem, or an issue you think the Rodeo Princess could address, please pray she is out of the country when you write her.

Otherwise take your chances and shoot a question or comment her way at Rodeoprincess@povn.com