On Coming Out…

Ken (33): I don't really have a fixed period of time that I can point to that I can say to myself “that's when I noticed I'm gay”. It was more spread out over the years up to when I “officially came out”. I have memories of when I was very young having a much stronger attraction to boys than girls but because I didn't want to be gay, I chalked it up to a phase that I should grow out of. I mean don't most boys have curiosities of what other boys look like? Anyway I used that poor excuse and built others as I grew up to surround myself with walls to block the true feelings I was having in.

On retrospect it was a painful way of dealing with myself and I wish I could have faced the fact that I am gay at an earlier age and there is nothing wrong with that. But nevertheless I can't change that overall. I'm happy about my childhood and how it shaped me to who I am today.

Marty (35): I think that I always knew in some way, especially in grades 10 – 12. Looking back, it seems like a series of events spanning several years brought me to the realization. I wrote in a grade 12 journal (1985) about how I had a 'crush' on a dude in my same grade named Scott. At the time, I had a girlfriend who I'd dated for more than a year. Yet I secretly lusted after this dude. My journal went into pretty good description about my feelings about Scott. My girlfriend found and read my journal, which prompted some questions, which I could not very effectively answer. At the time, I'd never had sex with a woman, but had experimented with dudes.

I didn't come out to myself until several years later, after my three-year stint in the Canadian army. It was sometime during my stint working on the DEW (Distant Early Warning) line, when I wrestled with the cabin fever and loneliness. This involved a lot of self-discovery and a focus on who I was. I finally came out to myself in 1993.

I remember drooling over dudes in the army, but never understood what I was feeling or how to deal with it. I tried to talk to my master corporal and sergeant and found both were very unhelpful with the exception that I was allowed to start visiting a 'Family Therapist (FT)' with out it affecting my service record.

I visited the FT for approximately 8 months, and was making what I thought was some progress in figuring out my feelings for dudes, when she told me she was taking maternity leave and I could start again with a new therapist. I didn't feel I had the mental energy to start over. Sounds pretty off the wall but I've never written anything like this before. Basically I'm writing what comes out of my head as it does.

During my army tour (1987 – 1991) I dated a girl for a short period, I think I dated her out of my hoping that my being gay wasn't true. Although I hadn't yet come out to myself at that time, I had some pretty hardcore lusts and crushes on some of my fellow soldiers. I was too fearful to even think about doing anything about those urges or interests, so I tried to hide them by dating a non-forces girl.

The closest I came to following through on my interest in dudes was when I invited an American Marine to go to Edmonton with me. I was stationed in CFB ColdLake AB at the time. We stayed in the CFB Edmonton barracks and I was very close to doing some things that might have earned me a knuckle sandwich that night. He was about my age, was in slightly better shape than me, and one incredible furry chest – I can still remember him. I left the Canadian Army in July of 1991 for a civilian job on the DEW line as a radar / communications technician.

The DEW line was an experience, as I mentioned earlier – especially with cabin fever. On the DEW line I was fairly closeted, but had LOTS of time to think about my interests in dudes. I explored my interest with 2 separate dudes while up north. They were both in the US forces and were on temporary duty there.

The changes in my life that happened while I was up north included my basic acceptance that I did not dig chicks. My self-confidence and self-image were as low as they had ever been in my life. When I decided to leave the north, I had slipped as low as I could get – I couldn't even cry anymore – and was ready to either kill myself or one of my co-workers. The experience of dealing with and living with cabin fever – until it nearly ended my life, allowed me to look more deeply at myself than I think I would have been able to without that experience. Dangling from the bottom of the rope, I could only look up; I allowed myself the idea that liking dudes was ok after all. How could something that felt so right be so wrong?

I left the DEW line just before Christmas after a year and a half, and started my 'new' life of dating. I met dudes from all over the province. I don't label myself as gay, since I don't like labels. Instead I'm just a dude who likes dudes – or a guy who doesn't like chicks. When asked if I'm gay I usually respond with 'if you are asking if I like guys, that's yes'. I don't see any point in giving someone pre-conceived notions of who I am based on exaggerated and unrealistic media examples.

How they met…

Ken: Marty and I met through the infamous Internet. At that time, the net was not as broad in it's ease of communications as it is today with instant messaging and video/voice capabilities. So meeting Marty was simple . Marty had an ad on a gay friendly personals web site that I saw with his picture on it. I was drawn to his picture (yes, of just his face) and his interests in dirt biking and camping . I hadn't met any gay men that had the same interests as I, so I just had to leave him a note to say Hi. From there our relationship grew. Before meeting Marty, my life was totally a work lifestyle. I spent most of my time at work or when I had some time off, I was back home in Victoria visiting friends and family. I was going through a lot of adjustments and change at that time in my life with starting a new career and living in a new town by myself. I finally felt a freedom to explore these locked up feelings of being gay . I think that was when the walls started to come down.

Marty: I placed an ad on a gay website that allowed free personals more than a year before Ken answered it. We met at the end of April 1999, when I was still living in Calgary, after I'd left a three-month relationship in Yellowknife. I was getting ready to move back to Vancouver when Ken emailed me, through that forgotten and previously unsuccessful ad. He first emailed me September 1998, and we exchanged emails about our dirtbikes. I moved to Vancouver in October, and we didn't communicate much again until February, where we talked on the phone a few times. But, we still hadn't met. In May, I was working in Richmond, and had Ken's phone number in my cell phone from the chats we'd had previously. I gave him a no-lead time call for lunch, and he accepted. We met at “Adelweiss” café on the #5 rd and Bridgeport rd in Richmond. We started 'dating' shortly after that. In less than 6 months, we moved into our own rental house – loving every minute of it. We now own a great 2200 sq foot house in Vernon together and I cant imagine sharing my life with anyone else.

My four years with Ken have been some of the most fulfilling of my life. I can't imagine being with out him, and it's hard to remember how low my personal life was before. I'd weathered some strange dating experiences before, and I believe that it wasn't accidental that we met.

I sometimes don't reply to emails very promptly, and because of that, I've lost contact with some acquaintances. With Ken, I made, lost, and remade contact several times in six months before we physically met. Because of that, I believe we were supposed to meet. None of the previous relationships were as fulfilling or as deep as the friendship I have with Ken. They were good experiences, I think-even the bad ones – after all I didn't end up in a dirt covered pine box and I think they gave me the maturity to understand how Ken first felt during his 'coming out process'. I'm his first partner, effectively he came out with me at his side – a first experience for me as well. All of my previous relationships were with someone who was 'experienced'. I can tell you it was NOT easy at times but the rewards I've experienced sticking by Ken's side have been immeasurable.

Friendship first…

Ken: Marty and I both enjoy off road dirt biking and exploring the back trails. We also both drive 4x4's and get out camping, and fly-fishing when we can. One of the biggest reasons we moved to a small town in the Okanagan was to be close to the areas we like to do all of these things. Recently, I have started a new hobby of building and flying model RC airplanes - Im learning how not to make fire wood kindling. It's a good thing I like to build them as much as fly them.

Marty: In a nutshell, I like almost anything outdoors, and I'll try anything once. My biggest hobbies are dirt-biking, camping, fly-fishing, snowboarding, 4X4ing, computers and electronics, making stained glass windows, chatting with online friends and working on my home business. In the past, I've spent far too much time chatting online with friends, which has dampened our relationship at times –so I'm toning that hobby down greatly… Oh I guess I should add traveling, since I've been doing quite a bit of that lately. I hope to do more of that with Ken this year. A lot of these hobbies we both share, and Ken has a few that I don't share – yet… We often plan and do things we enjoy together – sometimes with friends.

All of the friends we go dirtbiking, camping, fly-fishing, snowboarding etc with know we are gay, and although they sometimes decline invites to our gay-oriented parties, when we do party with friends together, our being gay is not an issue. I host a 'cards' night approximately once a month at our home, and invite gay and straight friends for a social BYOE (Bring Your Own Everything) dinner and cards/music event. Of the half dozen dates we've hosted, the friends who show up generally number between 15 and 20. Ninety percent of them are gay. Ken doesn't like playing cards, so the guests that come to the cards night but who don't play cards tend to play computer games with Ken – which he enjoys as much as I enjoy the cards.

Worklife…

Ken: , I started the Aircraft Maintenance Engineering course in Vancouver to try out the field. I really didn't know what I wanted to do for a career at the time but I did know it would have something to do with mechanics as I have always had a strong ability and interest there. I chose to take the AME course because I have always been amazed with aircraft and wanted to learn more about them. It has just progressed from there and I have met some great people in the industry. The wonderful people helped me to stick with it.

Marty: I'm self-employed – I own and operate a small telephone interconnect company out of Vernon. Most of my customers know that Ken is my partner, and it is a non-issue. Not to say that I introduce myself that way, but my company is built on personalized service, which involves developing a close relationship with the customer. My company vehicle has a rainbow sticker on it, and I don't feel I have to hide anything living in Vernon. When I was employed in the Okanagan prior to my going full time with my own company, my employer knew I was gay before they hired me, and I did nothing to hide that fact to any of the employees right from the start.

One of the employees who I'll call Sarg was in the Canadian Army also, but for a longer stint. He was a little shocked to find out about me. We'd hit it off as friends almost immediately because of the army connection and the challenging connections between the army and the employer we shared. When he found out, I think he was a little surprised, but from our talks about it afterwards, he found it interesting because I wasn't the 'media - stereotypical' gay. We are still very good friends, and we call each other for tech support for our work, and plan social evenings and get-togethers for movies, dinner and such. Last Christmas, Ken and I spent Christmas with he and his wife at their house

During my employment with that company, a co-worker saw how out I was and how little it mattered to anyone negatively and came out a couple months after I began working there. He remains working there, still out, and is a much happier young man for it. I kind of hope that I had some positive affect on him – that maybe I helped him have courage and self confidence. He and I talk occasionally and at dances, and remain acquaintances.

Life in a small town…

Ken: Moving to a small town was something new to me as I have never lived in a small town before. I was a bit concerned about how the town would react to a couple of gay guys moving in. Of course I was overreacting to the fear of the unknown but also from hearing some stories of gay people who have not had it very good in a small town. Anyway three years later, here we are- still in the same town and now with our own house complete with great neighbors. So I guess we've got it pretty good, at least in this corner of town. For the most part this town is pretty accepting but we don't go out making it obvious we are a couple and that's ok.

As for work, I work with a small group of guys in the flight department that as far as I know all have asked behind my back if I was gay. I came out to the one guy in the maintenance department that I work with everyday. It was a hard thing to do, but he already had strong ideas and made it easy on me when we talked about it for the first time. It was a huge fear for me before moving to this town and taking this new job how my co-workers would react. To my amazement they have all taken it very well, even the ones I thought for sure would not be comfortable with it. I'm lucky that way to work with such open minded people.

Marty: I grew up on a farm outside Kamloops BC so I already sort of knew what small town life was like. The opportunity to move back to the interior of BC – Vernon – was appealing because I really don't like cities. I used to frequent the local rodeos and gymkhanas with my sister, worked the family beef/horse farm, and I hope to eventually work a farm again. I love living in a small town, and find that the relationships that I make with the people I meet are different than those I made when I lived in Vancouver.

When we first moved to Vernon, Ken was pretty apprehensive about living in a small town – being Gay. I had never lived in Vernon either, and I knew Kamloops was pretty redneck. A couple of weeks after we got moved in, one of the local news papers ran a full front page report of what it was like “Being OUT in the Okanagan”. The article featured two men, sitting arm in arm, sporting gold rings. The report went on to say that of all the Okanagan towns, Vernon was the most tolerant, and seemed to have the highest 'concentration' of gays and lesbians. After picking our jaws off the floor, we settled in and found that not only does being gay make very little difference; it ends up being something that we can talk about openly with our friends and co-workers as easily as any topic.

We both get support from our friends and co-workers about our relationship troubles or anything else that friends help out with and share. Our neighbors on either side of our house know that Ken and I are together. I don't feel our neighborly interaction would be any different if we were straight. The local gay and lesbian 'group' organizes dances in Penticton, Kelowna, Kamloops and Vernon every couple weeks – which ken and I often attend. We both find the Vernon dances to be better attended, and are less cliquey than the other towns dances that we've attended. These events are close to the only 'gay oriented' events we attend, either because we both agree its not something we'd enjoy like a gay pride parade or we'd rather be doing other things like dirt-biking or camping. The only other events we have attended is the Calgary Gay Rodeo, and the campout at High Mountain Ranch – both of which we will attend again.

Canadian nuances…

Ken: I don't have a lot of national experience or for that matter, international experience to compare with the gay scene in Canada. What I can say is Canada is facing same sex issues and trying to make it all fit. Like with any country in the world, we are faced with a lot of obstacles of acceptance and so on. Still, there is headway, it is slow going but at least there is progress. I think that Canada is a great country and full of wonderful people that all would like to do the right the thing and be able to just get along and be happy. That's what I'm going for. I think Canada is as good a place as any to live a happy normal gay life.

Marty: I cant put my finger on why I feel this way, but I feel safer living in Canada and being out than I do just visiting the USA. Not that I'm very out while away from home, I do have the rainbow stickers on my truck, and Ken has one on his dirt-bike. We travel everywhere together. Be it familiarity, Canadian 'niceness/complacency' or comfort levels, it's a gut feeling of safety that I can't nail down to any one thing.

I don't think I would be as comfortable being out living anywhere else. Even if I lived in Kamloops – one of the biggest redneck towns in this province – I would still be out the way I am right now. I have both gay and straight friends that live there, and feel as safe there as I do here in Vernon. Familiarity may have a strong effect on how I feel about Kamloops since I grew up there, but I think the people have changed in the sense that things are tolerated more now. Not just gays, but other groups also.

* Distant Early Warning System – the string of radar posts approximately 160nm north of the arctic circle, built in the '50s the system has been updated to include not just search radar but also cruise missile detection. The installations cover from Alaska to Newfoundland.

*AME Aircraft Mechanical Engineer